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Behavior and Psychological Advice Page

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Behavior and Psychological Advice:

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Are My Strong and Intense Attractions Normal or Not?

Dear Queen,

I'm a 19 year old girl studying at a tertiary institution.

When I was 10-11, I had felt somewhat emotionally attached to this teacher of mine. She was indeed the best teacher one could ever have, a very dedicated, respectful, passionate and dignified woman. As time passed I seemed to feel attracted to her not in the sexual sense but a very strong attraction which I'm not sure how to describe. After I graduated and moved on I still kept in touch with her and not one day passed by, that feeling ever diminished until just a year ago it slowly faded.

But then when I was about 13-14 I met a childhood friend of mine, a girl too, a pretty one. I also felt a little attracted to her. I felt like I wanted to be wherever she was. That feeling/attraction lasted till I was 16.

When I went on to college I became attracted to this girl (I'll call her Jane) a schoolmate of mine. She was almost like me. Similar interest, talking on the same wavelength, etc. But among these 3 women I felt intense attraction towards her (Jane). But it did not last long due to a problem caused by a 3rd party that ended our friendship.

Through all these times I didn't feel any sexual attraction to these women but I don't know how to describe the type of attraction I felt. It was strong and intense and at times especially in the case with Jane, I'd experienced mood swings when she isn't around. And you might find it a little funny but one time a friend of mine, during my friendship with Jane, actually commented that they saw "sparks" in my eyes.

I wish to know why I'd been feeling like this all these years? Am I suffering from any conditions? Could it be due to the fact that all along I'd always been pushed aside or ignored by people in school, etc.? Is there anything wrong with me?

Please help me. Many thanks for your kind understanding. And I await your reply with great anticipation.

Signed, Am-I-Alright?

Dear Am-I-Alright,

First let me say, I am not really an expert regarding your issue so you might want to consider other opinions as well. Nevertheless, I do know people pretty well so I will give you my opinion. I don't think there is anything seriously wrong with you such as homosexuality. I think what you describe is an identification with those particular people, that is more extreme than would usually be called 'normal'. Here is how I might describe other peoples' experiences:

1. Around the age of 10-12 most of us have what they call 'puppy love'. We are love-struck and no one can talk us out of it. Somehow it passes and usually, that's the end of it.
2. Around the age of 13-16, and sometimes during adulthood, most of us get infatuated with celebrities, musicians or actors/actresses. Sometimes it's for someone of the same sex.
3. At any age, we get a 'best friend' and perhaps talk to them 4 times a day on the telephone, sharing all of our lives.
4. Around the age of 10-16 or so, we may become infatuated with a teacher. Part of this is admiration for their fine qualities but it might also include fantasizing about marrying that teacher. Or if the same sex we want to become a teacher of the same subject they teach.
5. We might meet someone that we admire so much that we want to be like them or we notice we are already the same and it could be a male or a female. Also, we might be stunned when someone we don't know walks into the room, because we 'connect' with them.
6. Some of us, but not everyone, develops a special relationship with someone that is different from the ordinary. Such as, in the Bible, David and Jonathan ( I Sam 18:1-4 ). This may last a lifetime, may include working together, and one may mentor the other. Some people call this a soul mate.

The difference in your case seems to be 1) you have experienced a strong identification several times and 2) you experience a stronger emotion than most people would. I think you are experiencing a type of identification that partly, you see yourself in that person and also, you need that person to keep your spirits up. That is the reason you had mood swings when separated. A good friendship is very exciting and that is the reason you had sparks in your eyes.

The reason might be low self-esteem because you felt 'pushed aside and ignored'. And I would like to suggest, if it is possible, that we could do a telephone session that might be able to get to the underlying reason and even out your emotions. Please read my post, 'I'm an Obsessive Attention Seeker', under Behavior and Psychological and let me know if you think we could do this. Code: Q13

The Queen, 7/24/09

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I'm an Obsessive Attention Seeker

Dear Queen,

Two years ago, a tutor at my college was arrested because I reported him to the police. He didn't do anything wrong. He was totally innocent. Although he did instigate in sending texts etc, he did not know it was me (a student).

I find it difficult coming to terms with the truth, that I'm a liar, and an obsessive attention seeker. I don't care about other people's feelings. I'm very cold hearted.

Although this was sorted out, I did the same with a security guard at the college -- for attention.

I don't know why I do this, I am feeling guilty and although I know what I'm doing is wrong, I tell myself, that it's not my fault, and tell people the complete opposite of what really happened.

I have a very serious problem, and I need your help.

Signed, A R

Dear A R,

I thought of a possible solution for you. I want to find out a little more information from you so I can be sure I'm on the right track.

You mentioned two incidents when you wrongly accused other people and involved authorities. And I'm wondering now what other ways does your attention seeking manifest? Do you do other, less harmful things, to get attention?

Another thing, how do you feel BEFORE you make an accusation? Do you plan it out? Do you consider beforehand maybe they won't believe you and you will get yourself into trouble? What emotions do you feel before and also during the course of giving testimony and such? Code: Q7

The Queen, 7/4/09

Dear Queen,

Before making the accusations I feel excited because of the attention it will cause. I feel guilty afterwards -- and try blaming the people. I know now it's all down to me, but in a few days, I'll blame someone else.

Also, if I don't get my own way, I do things -- make false complaints, exaggerate and tell lies.

Also I do tend to plan things out. For example, timing of events, in case people don't believe me.

I do really want to change. I have an obsession with older men, who are teachers or in a position of trust. I don't know why, and I want to change this.

I am also obsessed about my looks and body -- if something is not right e.g if I have a spot on my face, I feel very anxious, and angry.

Hope you can help.

Signed, A R

Dear A R,

First let me say, the fact that you know you are causing the problem and you admit that and you want to change, this means that you will probably have success in getting over this entirely.

The Obsessive Attention Seeking that you describe is almost certainly because you have low self-esteem. Also the other two things you described, acting out when you don't get your own way and obsessed about your looks, these also are because of low self-esteem.

With the procedure I want to use, we don't really have to care about WHY you have low self-esteem, just the fact that you do. And I think we should take care of all 4 problems, starting with the most serious, the false accusations. So it will take some time but I think you will become totally freed up from it.

The fact that you lie and make excuses, not caring about people, etc., I think is just a side-affect. Nobody really wants to admit to something they've done wrong.

I know of a 'cure', which is harmless if it doesn't work, would you try it? It's easy to do but it's not so easy to learn it. I would give you the basic information by email then I would guide you through it by phone. It will take some time, but if it works, you probably wouldn't do anything like that again.

A R has told me she wants to do this and I won't post any further on my website until we get to the end when I will post a summary. Code: Q7

The Queen, 7/4/09

Dear A R,

A R has stopped communicating so I assume she is not interested in the solution I offer, unless you let me know, A R.

The Queen, 7/14/09

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Husband has Anger Issues

Dear Queen,

My husband has anger issues and he DESPERATELY!!!! needs help and he knows he needs counseling. I think we might also need marital counseling. We have no health insurance and a weekly or monthly counseling fee is nowhere near fitting into our budget right now.

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate,

I have separated your problem into two parts and I will address your husband's anger issues now, since that is a most pressing problem for you both. Later, I will address the marital counseling.

I know about a fast and easy procedure that you can do yourselves and there is about a 90% chance for it to be effective. If it works, he would be cured, that is, it probably wouldn't come up as a problem again. But if it did, then you could do the procedure again.

Now, the thing is, the procedure itself is so different from what we are used to and it is so much more effective than anything else we know about ... so that people usually don't believe that it will really work. For the procedure to work, neither you nor your husband have to believe in it. It doesn't work by faith. You just need enough faith in me that you will do it. Another thing about it, if it doesn't work the first time, don't give up. There are variations and you might have to try several until you find one that works.

You do need to spend the time to learn the procedure. It is described in the book Tapping The Healer Within by Roger J. Callahan. You can purchase this book at Amazon. You could purchase this book from your local bookstore. I got this book at my public library.

In the event that your library doesn't have Callahan's book there is another similar book The Tapping Cure by Roberta Temes. You can purchase this book at Amazon. or from your local bookstore. I got this book at my public library.

These books include more than just anger issues; they cover many other problems. You probably only need to read the first few chapters to learn the procedure then skip to the section that tells what to do about anger.

Please let me know the results. In case it doesn't work, there are some additional solutions I would have for you but this one would be very fast and easy and inexpensive. code: Q1

The Queen, 5/10/08

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